I'll be your best friend

Just got through reading Joel Stein's brilliant piece "You Are Not My Friend" on friend-based websites like Facebook or My Space or Friendster. In his usual sarcastic cheeky style, Stein points out how these sites have changed the way we look at ourselves and our relationships.

I've been thinking about this stuff lately because -- deep breath -- about a month ago I bit the bullet and actually started using Facebook. This, after I resisted for so long and even derided many friends and relatives for their Facebook and My Space addictions. In the end though, the force was just too strong to resist, the opportunity to be "in touch" with so many people too tempting.

I've definitely noticed some advantages to using Facebook. I feel much more connected with several friends, and feel inspired to share some of what's going on in my life (the way that I did, er, I mean the way I do with this blog). It is also great to see how much people really do have in common despite apparent difference and enjoy being in eachother's lives. And, well, it is fun.

On the other hand, there are things about Facebook that still leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. The posturing and posing, the parade of egos, the over sexualization of youth. The emphasis on making everything showy and public. The numbers game, adding people you barely know or talk to just to boost popularity. People I never spoke a word to in High School suddenly realize we have tone in common. Last week the guy who designed my wedding card (and speaks about three words of English) requested an add. There's an absurdity about the whole thing that makes me worried about what friendship even means anymore.

Remember when you were in the second grade and you wanted another kid to pick you for something or give you something, so you tried to tempt them by promising I'll be your best friend...? Is Facebook taking us all back to the second grade?

Rupa Goswami, who was a great acarya in the Gaudiya Vaishnava (Hare Krishna) tradition, wrote about 6 symptoms of love (priti-laksanam) that mark a healthy, deep friendship. Friends give and receive gifts, feed one another and accept food, and share confidences while inquiring about one another.

Of course, there's no reason that friends couldn't do that on Facebook, I suppose. After all, there are even gift-giving applications, and a "poke" must count as some sort of symptom of love, right? Still, I fear that as my Facebook profile grows, I'm starting to lose touch with simple human courtesies.

Last night I got a call from a friend who has recently been through a major situation in his life. He was pretty hurt that (despite knowing about it) I hadn't called him to talk. I tried to defend myself -- I really had planned to sit down and write him a heartfelt letter when I "got some time to collect my thoughts." Ultimately, though, I had to own up to the ugly truth: in this case, I just wasn't being a good friend. All my good intentions may pave the path to hell, because when it counted I wasn't really personal or loving or considerate. I just didn't make him a priority.

Is Facebook to blame, even partially, for my horrendous lapse in judgment? Is having 110 (at last count) "friends" preventing me from being a good one to any of them? Maybe.

I suspect, though, that the real problem is not Facebook or even the culture that makes having one seem like a social necessity. At the end of the day, I'm the one at the keyboard, or on the phone, or at the post office, making my own choices. I just hope I can make the right ones most of the time.